Please note: The following is not meant to be professional advice to guide your mental health or treatment. These are my thoughts on some topics I’m passionate about and interested in and are based on my experiences. While I refer to some research, I didn’t provide a list of references because this is meant to be fairly informal. However, if you are interested in these topics and would like to know where I got my information from, I can certainly share some of my sources with you.
Vulnerability
If you've read my first Musing, "The Magic of Connection," you will have noticed that I mention vulnerability a few times throughout. That's because you can't have connection without some vulnerability. Phew. Let me say that again. You can't have connection without vulnerability. Scary right? Many of us want the benefits of connection - we crave it deeply as it's a human need - but vulnerability often scares the shit out of us! This is particularly true for those of us who have been burned deeply by vulnerability before (think bullying, not feeling accepted by those who are important to us, and especially cases of abuse and neglect) or grew up in environments in which toughening up and being perceived as tough or cool was valued.
When we are born, we are completely vulnerable. We are 100% dependent on those around us for survival. As our brains develop, our personalities, preferences, and all of the individual differences that make us unique start to appear. In a perfect world, throughout this development (and the rest of our lives) we would be surrounded by people and messages that were 100% supportive of who we truly are. Unfortunately, this is not the case. We don't live in a vacuum, so even when we're lucky enough to have parents/family that are very supportive, biases and prejudices that they learned throughout their lives can easily seep into ours and send us the message that it's not 100% safe to show all sides of ourselves. This can happen consciously or unconsciously on their part.
For example, I remember being young at my grandparents place and one of my cousins had brought over a necklace making kit. A group of us kids sat at the table making necklaces until my Uncle appeared and told his son very gruffly that "boys don't wear necklaces" and that he had to put the necklace down. In this case, my Uncle made a conscious choice to place his belief that "boys don't wear necklaces" onto his son and all of the kids at the table. In this moment, he also implied to his son (and the rest of us) that fitting into traditional masculinity is important in their household in order to be accepted. If my cousin had any traits that don't conform to traditional masculinity, he would've had to hide them (and hint, we all have deep emotions which are ignored in traditional masculinity, so he definitely spent a good part of his life hiding parts of himself as, I'm sure, did my Uncle).
We can also pass such messages on unintentionally too. Using a similar example, imagine that the same cousin is playing in the next room after dinner while my Uncle and Aunt watch tv in the living room. A commercial comes on for a tv show that features an effeminate male and my Uncle says "They must of done his shopping in a ladies store!" and they both laugh. While in this example they were not talking directly to my cousin, they are still sending the message to him that traditional masculinity is important for acceptance. Now in both of these examples the values my Aunt and Uncle hold are pretty obvious and they are likely aware of those values, but that's not always the case. From the day we are born we are learning about the world and, unfortunately, we all grow up in a world full of biases, stereotypes, and discriminatory values sending messages about how a person ought to be. And it's very easy to make jokes and comments offhand without realizing the message we send about who we need to be to belong.
Messaging from our family certainly isn't the only place that we learn that vulnerability can be dangerous. Stereotypes, biases, and discriminatory messages run rampant in the media, which is impossible for us to ignore (see further resources below for more info on this). They are on tv commercials, tv shows, movies, advertisements, radio shows, magazines, and pretty much anywhere you look. If you leave your house, turn on your tv, or turn on your radio, you're going to be exposed to them and many of these messages reinforce that you have to act and look a certain way to be accepted.
And outside of our family and media, there is no place we learn about what it takes to be accepted more so than in grade school. I'm sure a few of you just cringed as you read that as you recall memories of teasing and anxiety over what you might wear, say, or do in order to fit in. Now hopefully in your family, you mostly feel unconditionally loved and accepted (although that's certainly not always the case). Unconditional love is (supposed to be) the foundation of families. But that is definitely not true of friendships and interactions with peers. As I'm sure we all have experienced in grade school, showing your true colours can be dangerous. It can result in teasing, being seen as uncool, and being left out of activities. It can make for a lonely and anxious life. And if you didn't experience it yourself (count your blessings), I'm sure you witnessed it.
Now that I've gone on and on about all of the ways and places that we learn that vulnerability is dangerous, what is vulnerability and why is it important in the first place?
According to Brene Brown in her book Daring Greatly, "vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings ... [it is] uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure" and it is worth it because it is also "the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity." In short, vulnerability is being true to yourself and your emotions. It is sharing pieces of who you truly are and how you honestly feel with the world. It's the birthplace of love and belonging because we can't truly connect or love someone when we're busy hiding most of our true selves. It is the birthplace of joy because it takes energy away from being in the moment when we hide our true selves. It is important because when we repress and deny our emotions over the course of our lifetime we're setting our bodies up for chronic illness induced by the stress of the repression on our bodies. And it's a courageous act because, while vulnerability can do all of these great things, there are no guarantees that our vulnerability will be met with compassion, empathy, non-judgement, and unconditional love.
So how do get all of these great things without being obliterated by what can be a harsh world at the same time? Well, to start, there are varying degrees of vulnerability and we can choose how vulnerable to be at any given time based on the circumstances and who we're with. For example, when we first meet someone new, we don't generally just all of a sudden share the most intimate details of our inner lives. We also aren't that likely to share a sensitive and intimate part of ourselves with a friend with whom we're in the middle of a big fight. The right to know the intimate parts of ourselves must be earned (i.e. as others earn our trust) and this is a process that happens slowly over time. How vulnerable we want to be will vary depending on the circumstances and who I'm with. When I first meet someone new, I might share a small part of myself to see how they react. If they are empathic, supportive, and reciprocate and share a small part of themselves, our connection deepens and trust builds. Ideally, this process continues over time, slowly sharing larger and larger parts of ourselves to build a strong relationship built on a foundation of trust and authenticity. On the contrary, if I share a small part of myself and I don't feel good about the reaction I get back, I now know that it's not a safe relationship to be completely vulnerable in. While I may be a bit hurt, instead of jumping in feet first, I've only dipped my toe, so the damage is certainly more easily repairable. Although there are no guarantees, we can choose when to be vulnerable and how vulnerable to be based on what we perceive is relatively safe at the time. We can decide what we share and what is asked of us at any given time. Making that decision and communicating how vulnerable we are comfortable being is boundary-setting, which brings us to our next topic!
Boundaries
Boundaries are a necessary part of our life - they are an invisible line that tells people "This is my limit! Go no further!" We say this with our words, but also with our body language and actions as well. They are also flexible, so depending on the person we are interacting with and the circumstances of that interaction, they can change. Like the fence pictured above, a boundary protects us by deciding who we let in and when. We get to control the gate. Boundaries protect our integrity, time, self, relationships, spirit, energy, home, family, money, health, priorities, etc. Here are some examples of setting boundaries in various ways and various circumstances.
There are a lot of myths surrounding boundaries (see resources below for a list). An example of a common myth is that saying "no" to people asking for help is selfish. But as Brene Brown says, some of the most loving people she knows are also the most boundaried. So what does that mean? There's lots of analogies that are commonly used to explain this idea. I'll give you 2 and you can decide which (if any) fits your experiences the best.
1. Imagine that you are on an airplane. Suddenly, there is some turbulence and the oxygen masks drop from above you. You are accompanying a child on the flight. The flight attendants are all yelling to remind everyone to put their own masks on before helping anyone else. Why? Because if you try to help someone else first and pass out in the process, now you not only are in danger yourself but you also can't help anyone else either!
2. "You can't pour from an empty cup." Imagine that the contents of your cup represents your energy and wellness. If we constantly are giving it to others without replenishing it for ourselves, we'll have nothing left to give!
The same is true when we don't set boundaries in our lives. If we are constantly saying "yes" to everyone who asks anything of us, especially when we don't want to and/or don't have the time or energy, we deplete all of our resources and energy stores and set ourselves up for failure. As Dr. Gabor Mate thoroughly describes in When the Body Says No, constantly depleting ourselves to serve others while we fail to take care of ourselves is an excellent recipe for chronic stress to take its toll on our bodies in various forms from minor ailments to chronic or terminal illness. A good article going into more detail on this can be read here. As he also describes, there are certain experiences in childhood that can set us up to have a belief system that causes us to say yes to everything (read more about that in Experiences of Trauma). Last, if we are constantly ignoring our own needs in order to take care of the needs of others, we are certainly setting ourselves up to be filled with resentment. As has been said by many people over the years, "resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." Enough said. If we have to choose between guilt and resentment, take guilt every time (read more about what guilt is in Shame, Guilt, & Self-Compassion)!
By listening to our bodies and paying attention to what we need first by setting boundaries and tending to ourselves, we have more energy to extend to others and we don't build up resentment - both of which mean we can be more loving. Now don't confuse being loving with being sweet. These are two different things. When we are perceived as sweet, we likely don't set boundaries or create any conflict by expressing how we truly feel. We are likely always saying yes to everyone, which leads us to being perceived as so helpful and thus "sweet". But underneath that we are likely exhausted, depleted, and resentful. Setting boundaries and expressing how we truly feel means we can build more genuine relationships and give when we truly want to and have the ability to, which allows us to be more loving.
Boundaries also help us live with integrity. Brene Brown defines integrity in her book Rising Strong as follows:
Overall, being able to set boundaries is the foundation to our wellbeing, because if we're not able to set boundaries, we are likely feeling very depleted and resentful, are not fostering healthy relationships in our lives, and are not living in our integrity. For many handouts of the various aspects of boundary-setting, see below.
Interested in further reading/information on the subject?
Brene Brown has some great content on these subjects. For a quick introduction, she has a couple of viral Ted Talks, which are excellent, specifically The Power of Vulnerability. For a more detailed, but quick and easy introduction, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on Authenticity, Connection, & Courage is also an excellent audio lecture that is produced through Sounds True and can be found on Amazon. I Thought it Was Just Me, But it Isn't, The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, Rising Strong. and Braving the Wilderness are also excellent books of hers. I think they are meant to be read in order, but I basically read them backwards and got the information just fine, so I suggest choosing which one resonates with you and your needs in the moment. She also had some e-courses on CourageWorks.com that were very good, but that website is being discontinued. She has stated that the content will be available for free on BreneBrown.com, but it isn't there yet. If you're interested in that kind of thing, watch for it and subscribe to her emails.
Sarri Gilman has a good Tedx Talk called Good Boundaries Free You.
Anne Katherine also has two excellent books on boundaries, which are Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin and Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day.
Nicole Perry is also a Registered Psychologist living and working in Edmonton, who has some excellent and free resources on boundaries on her website, which can be found at http://www.feministcounselloredmonton.com/handouts.html. She also runs a group each year called Boundaries, Burnout, & The Art of Saying No if you're in the area and interested in this topic. Info on that can also be found on her website.
There are two good documentaries that I've seen that address gender norms for men and women. They both delve into what messages we get from the media about how girls/women and boys/men ought to be as well as the dysfunction that causes. Miss Representation and The Mask You Live In are their titles. Right now, they are available on Netflix, but what they stream changes constantly, so don't quote me on that! The links should give you some options for viewing. I've also seen the full video for The Mask You Live In on Youtube as well.
Related to boundaries, for an interesting perspective on self-care, here is a good article about some of the obstacles to it.
Resources
The following are resources that I have created based on my knowledge and experience with boundaries that I use with my clients. Self-care is a closely related idea to boundaries, so there's some resources on that too.
If you've read my first Musing, "The Magic of Connection," you will have noticed that I mention vulnerability a few times throughout. That's because you can't have connection without some vulnerability. Phew. Let me say that again. You can't have connection without vulnerability. Scary right? Many of us want the benefits of connection - we crave it deeply as it's a human need - but vulnerability often scares the shit out of us! This is particularly true for those of us who have been burned deeply by vulnerability before (think bullying, not feeling accepted by those who are important to us, and especially cases of abuse and neglect) or grew up in environments in which toughening up and being perceived as tough or cool was valued.
When we are born, we are completely vulnerable. We are 100% dependent on those around us for survival. As our brains develop, our personalities, preferences, and all of the individual differences that make us unique start to appear. In a perfect world, throughout this development (and the rest of our lives) we would be surrounded by people and messages that were 100% supportive of who we truly are. Unfortunately, this is not the case. We don't live in a vacuum, so even when we're lucky enough to have parents/family that are very supportive, biases and prejudices that they learned throughout their lives can easily seep into ours and send us the message that it's not 100% safe to show all sides of ourselves. This can happen consciously or unconsciously on their part.
For example, I remember being young at my grandparents place and one of my cousins had brought over a necklace making kit. A group of us kids sat at the table making necklaces until my Uncle appeared and told his son very gruffly that "boys don't wear necklaces" and that he had to put the necklace down. In this case, my Uncle made a conscious choice to place his belief that "boys don't wear necklaces" onto his son and all of the kids at the table. In this moment, he also implied to his son (and the rest of us) that fitting into traditional masculinity is important in their household in order to be accepted. If my cousin had any traits that don't conform to traditional masculinity, he would've had to hide them (and hint, we all have deep emotions which are ignored in traditional masculinity, so he definitely spent a good part of his life hiding parts of himself as, I'm sure, did my Uncle).
We can also pass such messages on unintentionally too. Using a similar example, imagine that the same cousin is playing in the next room after dinner while my Uncle and Aunt watch tv in the living room. A commercial comes on for a tv show that features an effeminate male and my Uncle says "They must of done his shopping in a ladies store!" and they both laugh. While in this example they were not talking directly to my cousin, they are still sending the message to him that traditional masculinity is important for acceptance. Now in both of these examples the values my Aunt and Uncle hold are pretty obvious and they are likely aware of those values, but that's not always the case. From the day we are born we are learning about the world and, unfortunately, we all grow up in a world full of biases, stereotypes, and discriminatory values sending messages about how a person ought to be. And it's very easy to make jokes and comments offhand without realizing the message we send about who we need to be to belong.
Messaging from our family certainly isn't the only place that we learn that vulnerability can be dangerous. Stereotypes, biases, and discriminatory messages run rampant in the media, which is impossible for us to ignore (see further resources below for more info on this). They are on tv commercials, tv shows, movies, advertisements, radio shows, magazines, and pretty much anywhere you look. If you leave your house, turn on your tv, or turn on your radio, you're going to be exposed to them and many of these messages reinforce that you have to act and look a certain way to be accepted.
And outside of our family and media, there is no place we learn about what it takes to be accepted more so than in grade school. I'm sure a few of you just cringed as you read that as you recall memories of teasing and anxiety over what you might wear, say, or do in order to fit in. Now hopefully in your family, you mostly feel unconditionally loved and accepted (although that's certainly not always the case). Unconditional love is (supposed to be) the foundation of families. But that is definitely not true of friendships and interactions with peers. As I'm sure we all have experienced in grade school, showing your true colours can be dangerous. It can result in teasing, being seen as uncool, and being left out of activities. It can make for a lonely and anxious life. And if you didn't experience it yourself (count your blessings), I'm sure you witnessed it.
Now that I've gone on and on about all of the ways and places that we learn that vulnerability is dangerous, what is vulnerability and why is it important in the first place?
According to Brene Brown in her book Daring Greatly, "vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings ... [it is] uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure" and it is worth it because it is also "the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity." In short, vulnerability is being true to yourself and your emotions. It is sharing pieces of who you truly are and how you honestly feel with the world. It's the birthplace of love and belonging because we can't truly connect or love someone when we're busy hiding most of our true selves. It is the birthplace of joy because it takes energy away from being in the moment when we hide our true selves. It is important because when we repress and deny our emotions over the course of our lifetime we're setting our bodies up for chronic illness induced by the stress of the repression on our bodies. And it's a courageous act because, while vulnerability can do all of these great things, there are no guarantees that our vulnerability will be met with compassion, empathy, non-judgement, and unconditional love.
So how do get all of these great things without being obliterated by what can be a harsh world at the same time? Well, to start, there are varying degrees of vulnerability and we can choose how vulnerable to be at any given time based on the circumstances and who we're with. For example, when we first meet someone new, we don't generally just all of a sudden share the most intimate details of our inner lives. We also aren't that likely to share a sensitive and intimate part of ourselves with a friend with whom we're in the middle of a big fight. The right to know the intimate parts of ourselves must be earned (i.e. as others earn our trust) and this is a process that happens slowly over time. How vulnerable we want to be will vary depending on the circumstances and who I'm with. When I first meet someone new, I might share a small part of myself to see how they react. If they are empathic, supportive, and reciprocate and share a small part of themselves, our connection deepens and trust builds. Ideally, this process continues over time, slowly sharing larger and larger parts of ourselves to build a strong relationship built on a foundation of trust and authenticity. On the contrary, if I share a small part of myself and I don't feel good about the reaction I get back, I now know that it's not a safe relationship to be completely vulnerable in. While I may be a bit hurt, instead of jumping in feet first, I've only dipped my toe, so the damage is certainly more easily repairable. Although there are no guarantees, we can choose when to be vulnerable and how vulnerable to be based on what we perceive is relatively safe at the time. We can decide what we share and what is asked of us at any given time. Making that decision and communicating how vulnerable we are comfortable being is boundary-setting, which brings us to our next topic!
Boundaries
Boundaries are a necessary part of our life - they are an invisible line that tells people "This is my limit! Go no further!" We say this with our words, but also with our body language and actions as well. They are also flexible, so depending on the person we are interacting with and the circumstances of that interaction, they can change. Like the fence pictured above, a boundary protects us by deciding who we let in and when. We get to control the gate. Boundaries protect our integrity, time, self, relationships, spirit, energy, home, family, money, health, priorities, etc. Here are some examples of setting boundaries in various ways and various circumstances.
- If I go to visit my parents and as soon as I walk in my mom starts commenting on my weight, I could set a boundary and say to her "Mom, it's not okay with me that you comment on my weight." In this case, I used my words to set a boundary about how she talks to me in order to protect my wellbeing, spirit, self, and my relationship with her. If I continued to let her make those comments, likely resentment, hurt, and distrust would build up.
- If I am feeling really exhausted and my partner starts making sexual advances, I could have facial expressions that show my exhaustion and position my body in a way that is not receptive. In this case, I am using my body language to set a boundary with my partner about what I'm up for sexually (nothing) in that moment in order to protect my energy, wellbeing, and our relationship. If I continued to let me partner make advances by pretending I was okay with it, I'd likely feel disconnected, like my needs aren't important, and possibly unloved.
- If I'm in an argument with a friend who just seriously violated my trust and they walk towards me with their arms open to hug me, I could set a boundary by moving away from them or putting my hands out to signal for them to stop. In this case I am using my actions to set a boundary about the space I need in that moment in order to protect my integrity, energy, spirit, and our relationship. If I allowed my friend to hug me, I'd be ignoring my own feelings in order to allow them to feel better. This would likely prevent me from expressing what I needed to in order for the relationship to be repaired and I would likely feel that my needs aren't important.
There are a lot of myths surrounding boundaries (see resources below for a list). An example of a common myth is that saying "no" to people asking for help is selfish. But as Brene Brown says, some of the most loving people she knows are also the most boundaried. So what does that mean? There's lots of analogies that are commonly used to explain this idea. I'll give you 2 and you can decide which (if any) fits your experiences the best.
1. Imagine that you are on an airplane. Suddenly, there is some turbulence and the oxygen masks drop from above you. You are accompanying a child on the flight. The flight attendants are all yelling to remind everyone to put their own masks on before helping anyone else. Why? Because if you try to help someone else first and pass out in the process, now you not only are in danger yourself but you also can't help anyone else either!
2. "You can't pour from an empty cup." Imagine that the contents of your cup represents your energy and wellness. If we constantly are giving it to others without replenishing it for ourselves, we'll have nothing left to give!
The same is true when we don't set boundaries in our lives. If we are constantly saying "yes" to everyone who asks anything of us, especially when we don't want to and/or don't have the time or energy, we deplete all of our resources and energy stores and set ourselves up for failure. As Dr. Gabor Mate thoroughly describes in When the Body Says No, constantly depleting ourselves to serve others while we fail to take care of ourselves is an excellent recipe for chronic stress to take its toll on our bodies in various forms from minor ailments to chronic or terminal illness. A good article going into more detail on this can be read here. As he also describes, there are certain experiences in childhood that can set us up to have a belief system that causes us to say yes to everything (read more about that in Experiences of Trauma). Last, if we are constantly ignoring our own needs in order to take care of the needs of others, we are certainly setting ourselves up to be filled with resentment. As has been said by many people over the years, "resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." Enough said. If we have to choose between guilt and resentment, take guilt every time (read more about what guilt is in Shame, Guilt, & Self-Compassion)!
By listening to our bodies and paying attention to what we need first by setting boundaries and tending to ourselves, we have more energy to extend to others and we don't build up resentment - both of which mean we can be more loving. Now don't confuse being loving with being sweet. These are two different things. When we are perceived as sweet, we likely don't set boundaries or create any conflict by expressing how we truly feel. We are likely always saying yes to everyone, which leads us to being perceived as so helpful and thus "sweet". But underneath that we are likely exhausted, depleted, and resentful. Setting boundaries and expressing how we truly feel means we can build more genuine relationships and give when we truly want to and have the ability to, which allows us to be more loving.
Boundaries also help us live with integrity. Brene Brown defines integrity in her book Rising Strong as follows:
- "Integrity is choosing courage over comfort; choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy; and choosing to practice our values rather than simply professing them."
Overall, being able to set boundaries is the foundation to our wellbeing, because if we're not able to set boundaries, we are likely feeling very depleted and resentful, are not fostering healthy relationships in our lives, and are not living in our integrity. For many handouts of the various aspects of boundary-setting, see below.
Interested in further reading/information on the subject?
Brene Brown has some great content on these subjects. For a quick introduction, she has a couple of viral Ted Talks, which are excellent, specifically The Power of Vulnerability. For a more detailed, but quick and easy introduction, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on Authenticity, Connection, & Courage is also an excellent audio lecture that is produced through Sounds True and can be found on Amazon. I Thought it Was Just Me, But it Isn't, The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, Rising Strong. and Braving the Wilderness are also excellent books of hers. I think they are meant to be read in order, but I basically read them backwards and got the information just fine, so I suggest choosing which one resonates with you and your needs in the moment. She also had some e-courses on CourageWorks.com that were very good, but that website is being discontinued. She has stated that the content will be available for free on BreneBrown.com, but it isn't there yet. If you're interested in that kind of thing, watch for it and subscribe to her emails.
Sarri Gilman has a good Tedx Talk called Good Boundaries Free You.
Anne Katherine also has two excellent books on boundaries, which are Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin and Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day.
Nicole Perry is also a Registered Psychologist living and working in Edmonton, who has some excellent and free resources on boundaries on her website, which can be found at http://www.feministcounselloredmonton.com/handouts.html. She also runs a group each year called Boundaries, Burnout, & The Art of Saying No if you're in the area and interested in this topic. Info on that can also be found on her website.
There are two good documentaries that I've seen that address gender norms for men and women. They both delve into what messages we get from the media about how girls/women and boys/men ought to be as well as the dysfunction that causes. Miss Representation and The Mask You Live In are their titles. Right now, they are available on Netflix, but what they stream changes constantly, so don't quote me on that! The links should give you some options for viewing. I've also seen the full video for The Mask You Live In on Youtube as well.
Related to boundaries, for an interesting perspective on self-care, here is a good article about some of the obstacles to it.
Resources
The following are resources that I have created based on my knowledge and experience with boundaries that I use with my clients. Self-care is a closely related idea to boundaries, so there's some resources on that too.
what_are_boundaries.docx.pdf | |
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how_to_establish_boundaries.docx.pdf | |
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boundary_myths_and_truths.docx.pdf | |
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signs_you_need_better_boundaries.docx.pdf | |
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boundaries_in_intimate_relationships.docx.pdf | |
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using_boundaries_during_an_attack.docx.pdf | |
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boundary_problems.docx.pdf | |
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selfcare-wheel-final.pdf | |
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