Please note: The following is not meant to be professional advice to guide your mental health or treatment. These are my thoughts on some topics I’m passionate about and interested in and are based on my experiences. While I refer to some research, I didn’t provide a list of references because this is meant to be fairly informal. However, if you are interested in these topics and would like to know where I got my information from, I can certainly share some of my sources with you.
I didn't grow up in a military family. I was completely unfamiliar with that experience until I was in post-secondary and one of the first things I learned when I became exposed to that life was that it's a steep and emotional learning curve.
One of my best friends of the past 15 years grew up in a military family. She moved often and became accustomed to the life:
Since then, I've acquired more military friends in my life: my best friend's sister and both of her brother-in-laws (because military folk flock together!) Although I've grown more accustomed to deployments as I get older and the practicalities of life demand it, they will never be easy. There will always be an underlying anxiety as the day of deployment approaches and the whole time they're gone, and an underlying anxiety is just how I would describe the best days when I am distracting myself well. And I know that as a friend I can't even begin to experience what it is like as a spouse or child even if I witness it intimately as a support to them and member of their extended chosen family.
While I certainly have much more first-hand experience being a support to and witness to the family's experience of the military life, I also have become familiar with the military culture as well. It is this culture that makes it harder to understand the soldier's side because it demands a certain stoicism - that you keep it together instead of intimately sharing the details of what's going on. But I see the culture through them anyways, even if they don't talk about it. I see the difficulty being back home and adjusting to family life after just being on a long course let alone being on tour. I see the raw emotions that have to be kept under wraps. Being pulled in two directions - the excitement of what you're doing at work but also knowing that it means you'll miss out on a bunch of stuff at home. The getting used to driving in civilian traffic where being militantly alert is no longer required. All of the small adjustments that become cumulatively difficult.
So, why do I write about this? It's certainly not a topic, like the others I've written about, that I have more expertise in than you. Certainly, if you're in the military or a military family, I have much less. I suppose I just wanted to say, I see you. I see your sacrifices and how uniquely difficult the military family life is. And if you think I could be of help, I'm here to support you. And if not, I'm happy to direct you to someone who might be better suited. While I have suggestions for further reading on my other Musings, I don't think this page needs one because, if you've been drawn to this topic, you are likely living it yourself and don't require me or a book to tell you what it's like.
One of my best friends of the past 15 years grew up in a military family. She moved often and became accustomed to the life:
- where you have to get used to an integral member of your family being gone for long stretches
- where you have to get into a routine to get everything done without that member of your family and feel like you are just getting by
- where you are excited to have that family member back, but it's also so difficult to have them come in and disrupt the routine that you finally had running so smoothly
- where you have to learn to make friends quickly and depend on the people around you for support, even if you haven't known them for very long
- where you get used to having your life disrupted and plans foiled at the mercy of the military machine
- where, if you have kids, you have to somehow keep yourself together even if you're falling apart, explain to them their family member's long absences, and be an emotional support to keep them together too
- where shit seems to hit the fan the moment your family member steps out the door to go on course or to deploy and you are left to manage the chaos yourself
Since then, I've acquired more military friends in my life: my best friend's sister and both of her brother-in-laws (because military folk flock together!) Although I've grown more accustomed to deployments as I get older and the practicalities of life demand it, they will never be easy. There will always be an underlying anxiety as the day of deployment approaches and the whole time they're gone, and an underlying anxiety is just how I would describe the best days when I am distracting myself well. And I know that as a friend I can't even begin to experience what it is like as a spouse or child even if I witness it intimately as a support to them and member of their extended chosen family.
While I certainly have much more first-hand experience being a support to and witness to the family's experience of the military life, I also have become familiar with the military culture as well. It is this culture that makes it harder to understand the soldier's side because it demands a certain stoicism - that you keep it together instead of intimately sharing the details of what's going on. But I see the culture through them anyways, even if they don't talk about it. I see the difficulty being back home and adjusting to family life after just being on a long course let alone being on tour. I see the raw emotions that have to be kept under wraps. Being pulled in two directions - the excitement of what you're doing at work but also knowing that it means you'll miss out on a bunch of stuff at home. The getting used to driving in civilian traffic where being militantly alert is no longer required. All of the small adjustments that become cumulatively difficult.
So, why do I write about this? It's certainly not a topic, like the others I've written about, that I have more expertise in than you. Certainly, if you're in the military or a military family, I have much less. I suppose I just wanted to say, I see you. I see your sacrifices and how uniquely difficult the military family life is. And if you think I could be of help, I'm here to support you. And if not, I'm happy to direct you to someone who might be better suited. While I have suggestions for further reading on my other Musings, I don't think this page needs one because, if you've been drawn to this topic, you are likely living it yourself and don't require me or a book to tell you what it's like.