Please note: The following is not meant to be professional advice to guide your mental health or treatment. These are my thoughts on some topics I’m passionate about and interested in and are based on my experiences. While I refer to some research, I didn’t provide a list of references because this is meant to be fairly informal. However, if you are interested in these topics and would like to know where I got my information from, I can certainly share some of my sources with you.
Have you ever worried that if you're not hard enough on yourself (or others) that you won't push yourself to be your best or get anything done? Many of us grew up in a world where "toughen up" was the motto and where harshness was seen as an excellent motivator to help us get off our butts and excel in the world. The idea was that if we just would pull up our bootstraps and get at 'er, everything would be just find through some good old fashioned hard work and perseverance. And while it's true that hard work and perseverance can certainly take us places and can be seen as admirable qualities in most contexts, this isn't certainly all there is to it; simply pulling up our bootstraps when we're facing difficulties isn't going to always get us where we're going by itself and certainly not with our mental health intact.
Shame
One of the most important concepts in understanding why harshness, toughening up, and pulling up our bootstraps alone aren't helpful motivators, especially when we want to come out the other side with our mental health intact, is shame. In a nutshell, shame is the belief that there is something inherently wrong with who we are as people - that we are not good enough. It is the feeling of rejection.
Shame is a very damaging emotion in a lot of ways because it creates a trauma response in our body that causes our thinking brain to turn off and overwhelms us with this painful emotion. It is so painful, that we often try desperately to get out from under it by blaming, being angry, and rationalizing our behaviour. It also makes us feel like hiding, so often we will isolate ourselves when we are in shame as well. Overall, shame is not only damaging to our wellbeing, but to our relationships as well.
Guilt
Guilt is similar to shame in that it occurs when we've done something we aren't happy with. However, instead of focusing on what's wrong with us as people, guilt focuses on our behaviour. Instead of "I am not good enough" guilt is "that behaviour wasn't good enough." Although we don't want to drown ourselves in guilt, in healthy doses (which are generally small), guilt is a healthy motivator that pushes positive change and growth. It holds up how we behave against who we want to be.
There are a few useful charts floating around out there, such as this one, that can help you understand in more detail the difference between shame and guilt. The one I created, which is a summary of the learning I've done on the topic, is in the files below and will give you a more thorough understanding of these two concepts.
Shame, guilt, and motivation
One of the most glorious break throughs in the psychological sciences in my opinion has been the ability to research what parts of the brain are connected with various skills, emotions, and behaviours. It is as a result of this research that we have an idea of how shame and motivation relate to each other.
From what we know about the brain and behaviour change, we know that in order to change our behaviour we need to have our prefrontal cortices (our "thinking brain") firing. This is because our prefrontal cortices are responsible for regulating behaviour and attention. However, we also know that when we are in shame (because it's a trauma response), our thinking brain turns off - this essential part of our brain for behaviour change is not firing. In addition to that, the parts of our brain that are related to reward and relief become extra sensitive when we are in shame. What this means is not only are we unable to regulate our attention and behaviour in a manner which guides us to choose our goal behaviour, but we are more likely to engage in the old behaviour that we are trying to avoid in the first place. This also means that before we can change our behaviour, we have to reduce shame.
So how do we do that? See the blue print that I've created at the end of this piece of writing and attached resources.
Self-Compassion
Although self-compassion isn't the antidote to shame on its own, it is related and can be helpful in our quest to reduce shame and increase overall wellness. Self-compassion is very self-explanatory. It is having compassion for ourselves. So to understand self-compassion, we first need to understand compassion.
Compassion is, as Kristen Kneff says, caring and kindness + action in response to the struggles/suffering of others. What this means is that we care about and recognize the suffering of others, act kindly in response, and take an action to offer support to the wounded party. For example, if our friend shares with us that they just lost their job, we respond with compassion when we care about our friend's struggle, are kind in our response, and offer soothing and comforting support.
Self-compassion is the very same process but with ourselves. We recognize when we are suffering, care about it, treat ourselves kindly in that moment, and take action to comfort ourselves. Essentially, we treat ourselves as we would treat another person we care deeply about if they were in the same situation. Beyond that, there are 3 keys to self-compassion as described by Kristen Kneff that are summarized perfectly by this image.
Shame
One of the most important concepts in understanding why harshness, toughening up, and pulling up our bootstraps alone aren't helpful motivators, especially when we want to come out the other side with our mental health intact, is shame. In a nutshell, shame is the belief that there is something inherently wrong with who we are as people - that we are not good enough. It is the feeling of rejection.
Shame is a very damaging emotion in a lot of ways because it creates a trauma response in our body that causes our thinking brain to turn off and overwhelms us with this painful emotion. It is so painful, that we often try desperately to get out from under it by blaming, being angry, and rationalizing our behaviour. It also makes us feel like hiding, so often we will isolate ourselves when we are in shame as well. Overall, shame is not only damaging to our wellbeing, but to our relationships as well.
Guilt
Guilt is similar to shame in that it occurs when we've done something we aren't happy with. However, instead of focusing on what's wrong with us as people, guilt focuses on our behaviour. Instead of "I am not good enough" guilt is "that behaviour wasn't good enough." Although we don't want to drown ourselves in guilt, in healthy doses (which are generally small), guilt is a healthy motivator that pushes positive change and growth. It holds up how we behave against who we want to be.
There are a few useful charts floating around out there, such as this one, that can help you understand in more detail the difference between shame and guilt. The one I created, which is a summary of the learning I've done on the topic, is in the files below and will give you a more thorough understanding of these two concepts.
Shame, guilt, and motivation
One of the most glorious break throughs in the psychological sciences in my opinion has been the ability to research what parts of the brain are connected with various skills, emotions, and behaviours. It is as a result of this research that we have an idea of how shame and motivation relate to each other.
From what we know about the brain and behaviour change, we know that in order to change our behaviour we need to have our prefrontal cortices (our "thinking brain") firing. This is because our prefrontal cortices are responsible for regulating behaviour and attention. However, we also know that when we are in shame (because it's a trauma response), our thinking brain turns off - this essential part of our brain for behaviour change is not firing. In addition to that, the parts of our brain that are related to reward and relief become extra sensitive when we are in shame. What this means is not only are we unable to regulate our attention and behaviour in a manner which guides us to choose our goal behaviour, but we are more likely to engage in the old behaviour that we are trying to avoid in the first place. This also means that before we can change our behaviour, we have to reduce shame.
So how do we do that? See the blue print that I've created at the end of this piece of writing and attached resources.
Self-Compassion
Although self-compassion isn't the antidote to shame on its own, it is related and can be helpful in our quest to reduce shame and increase overall wellness. Self-compassion is very self-explanatory. It is having compassion for ourselves. So to understand self-compassion, we first need to understand compassion.
Compassion is, as Kristen Kneff says, caring and kindness + action in response to the struggles/suffering of others. What this means is that we care about and recognize the suffering of others, act kindly in response, and take an action to offer support to the wounded party. For example, if our friend shares with us that they just lost their job, we respond with compassion when we care about our friend's struggle, are kind in our response, and offer soothing and comforting support.
Self-compassion is the very same process but with ourselves. We recognize when we are suffering, care about it, treat ourselves kindly in that moment, and take action to comfort ourselves. Essentially, we treat ourselves as we would treat another person we care deeply about if they were in the same situation. Beyond that, there are 3 keys to self-compassion as described by Kristen Kneff that are summarized perfectly by this image.
What's next?
Although there is a lot more in-depth work that can be done on a variety of related topics to create a more comprehensive plan to the impact of shame and a lack of self-compassion on our lives (e.g. shame resilience, working more specifically with our inner critic, tackling perfectionism, and tackling trauma that may be behind the shame), here's a quick blue print of a couple places that you can start with the resources I've provided, which are attached at the bottom of this page.
1. Learn about what shame is and start identifying when you are feeling it. Check out the shame vs. guilt handout and Brene Brown's work.
2. Learn about self-compassion and how to start doing more of it. Check out my summary handout and the work by Kristen Kneff and Christopher Germer.
3. Check out my hand-out Reframing Shame handout for a quick and easy tool to help you move away from using shame as a motivator and towards a healthy dose of guilt and self-compassion instead.
Interested in further reading/information on the subject?
Brene Brown has some great content on these subjects. For a quick introduction, she has a couple viral Ted Talks, which are excellent, specifically Listening to Shame. For a more detailed, but quick and easy introduction, Men, Women, & Worthiness and The Power of Vulnerability are excellent audio lectures that are produced through Sounds True and can be found on Amazon. I Thought it Was Just Me, But it Isn't, The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, Rising Strong, Braving the Wilderness, and Dare to Lead are also excellent books of hers related to these topics. I think they are meant to be read in order, but I basically read them backwards and got the information just fine. Choose what resonates with you and your needs in the moment. She also had some e-courses on CourageWorks.com that were very good, but that website is being discontinued. She has stated that the content will be available for free on BreneBrown.com, but it isn't there yet. If you're interested in that kind of thing, watch for it and subscribe to her emails.
Kristen Kneff is also the queen of research, resources, and writing in the world of self-compassion. She has a book titled "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself" and a fantastic website http://self-compassion.org where she provides many free exercises, activities, resources, and a survey to check in with how self-compassionate you currently are. If you're interested in even further reading, check out her "Resources" tab on her website for a ton of great suggestions.
Christopher Germer has some work on self-compassion, especially through a mindfulness approach. You can check out his work and some helpful resources here https://chrisgermer.com.
Kristen Kneff and Christopher Germer also teamed up to create the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, which you can check out šcenterformsc.org. They also teamed up to create a Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook, which combines both of their work together. It is available on Amazon.
Although there is a lot more in-depth work that can be done on a variety of related topics to create a more comprehensive plan to the impact of shame and a lack of self-compassion on our lives (e.g. shame resilience, working more specifically with our inner critic, tackling perfectionism, and tackling trauma that may be behind the shame), here's a quick blue print of a couple places that you can start with the resources I've provided, which are attached at the bottom of this page.
1. Learn about what shame is and start identifying when you are feeling it. Check out the shame vs. guilt handout and Brene Brown's work.
2. Learn about self-compassion and how to start doing more of it. Check out my summary handout and the work by Kristen Kneff and Christopher Germer.
3. Check out my hand-out Reframing Shame handout for a quick and easy tool to help you move away from using shame as a motivator and towards a healthy dose of guilt and self-compassion instead.
Interested in further reading/information on the subject?
Brene Brown has some great content on these subjects. For a quick introduction, she has a couple viral Ted Talks, which are excellent, specifically Listening to Shame. For a more detailed, but quick and easy introduction, Men, Women, & Worthiness and The Power of Vulnerability are excellent audio lectures that are produced through Sounds True and can be found on Amazon. I Thought it Was Just Me, But it Isn't, The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, Rising Strong, Braving the Wilderness, and Dare to Lead are also excellent books of hers related to these topics. I think they are meant to be read in order, but I basically read them backwards and got the information just fine. Choose what resonates with you and your needs in the moment. She also had some e-courses on CourageWorks.com that were very good, but that website is being discontinued. She has stated that the content will be available for free on BreneBrown.com, but it isn't there yet. If you're interested in that kind of thing, watch for it and subscribe to her emails.
Kristen Kneff is also the queen of research, resources, and writing in the world of self-compassion. She has a book titled "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself" and a fantastic website http://self-compassion.org where she provides many free exercises, activities, resources, and a survey to check in with how self-compassionate you currently are. If you're interested in even further reading, check out her "Resources" tab on her website for a ton of great suggestions.
Christopher Germer has some work on self-compassion, especially through a mindfulness approach. You can check out his work and some helpful resources here https://chrisgermer.com.
Kristen Kneff and Christopher Germer also teamed up to create the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, which you can check out šcenterformsc.org. They also teamed up to create a Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook, which combines both of their work together. It is available on Amazon.
shame_and_guilt.pdf | |
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reframing_shame.pdf | |
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self_compassion_overview.pdf | |
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